Futureproofed Workshop #21: Boundaries with Esther Ogilvie
Is it time to firm up your boundaries? This workshop will explore how to apply boundaries in your professional life
In 2023 Esther Ogilvie curated a three workshop series on boundaries for Bigger Sister Channel. This was a hands-on workshop series but we have added slides from her first workshop to go over the basics.
What is a boundary and why do we have them?
Boundaries are things we put in place to keep us emotionally and physically safe.
It allows us to function at our best.
It shows ourselves respect and self love.
It teaches others how to respect and love us.
It helps us have time and space in our life to do the things we actually WANT to do and not just the things we feel like we SHOULD do.
Boundaries help build our self worth.
Boundaries are self care.
Boundaries build strong sense of self and awareness
How do you create a boundary?
Identify your wants, needs, and desires.
Identify your values.
In any particular situation, ask yourself what do you need to keep yourself safe? This could be physical, emotional, spiritually or mentally.
Once you have identified the need you can start to articulate what the boundary is that allows for that.
Recognising what your bodies needs is understanding your own boundaries. What feels like a yes, a no and a maybe.
Sex Worker Boundaries
Some things to think about in setting sex worker boundaries:
Be clear in your advertising what you offer. People are paying for a service that you have advertised only, that does not entitle them to more.
Screening process.
Confidential policy.
Cancellation policy.
Services and condom use.
“I reserve the right to refuse or amend a service/end the session”
The use of language.
Social media - be mindful of what you share and/or turn the comments off.
How to recognise if you have crossed your own boundary
Why is this important to know? We often cross our own boundaries for a variety of different reasons.
Fear of upsetting someone.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear of someone not liking us.
Money.
Sex.
Love.
People pleasing.
Low self worth or self esteem.
Lack of safety (emotional, physical, spiritual, mental).
Our attachment style.
Conflict averse.
Wanting to be liked.
And so on…
Being able to recognise if we cross our own boundaries and the reason for why we have is extremely important so we can understand how to avoid this in the future.
It’s important to also be aware of how and why to hold our boundaries when someone else doesn’t respect them. What’s the reason this boundary is important for us? If we can’t do it for ourselves it makes it harder to create them with others.
How to recognise when someone else crosses your boundaries
We might feel:
Powerless.
Resentment.
Gaslit.
Small or insignificant.
Like our needs don’t matter.
Unworthy.
Weak.
Sad.
Emotional.
Exhausted.
Over-committed or overwhelmed.
Time poor.
Angry or frustrated.
Resentment.
And so on… This will be different for each person and each situation.
How do we hold that boundary when someone pushes it or does not respect it?
Buy time.
Redirect, distract, or renegotiate.
Come back to our values - remember you are not responsible for their feelings and emotions.
Reassert our boundary in different ways (this will depend on your clients) eg: “I’m sorry I don’t think I’m the worker for you, I wish you well.”
You can end the session. This is within your rights.
De-escalate.
Maintain professional boundaries and recognise when this is compromised.
Client confusion and disclosing personal information.
How to recognise burnout
How to prevent it - what to avoid doing after a session
Phone or doom scrolling.
Binge watching.
Drinking.
Binge eating.
Unhealthy habits you notice you do.
There are disassociation techniques we use to escape from our reality when we are disregulated.
Self Care Toolkit
Somatic practices.
Find a sex positive therapist! Your mental health is just as important.
Take time off. Pushing your body if its in a trauma state is never beneficial (even for the money) and will cost in the long run.
Change your screening/advertising.
Hot and cold therapy. Try putting an icepack in your armpit or in the centre of your chest.
Showers.
Energetic clearing.
Exercise.
Dance/movement/yoga/music/singing.
Baths with lots of epsom salts.
Skincare routine.
Social supports.
Creative practices.
Journalling.
Nature.
Massage, reiki etc.
Reading.
Points to remember
It is never your fault if a client crosses your boundaries.
You are not responsible for other peoples feelings or behaviours.
It is up to you decide what your boundaries are with your clients. These may change depending on the client and that’s ok.
The problem is if you keep seeing a client who is crossing your boundaries, that they may be getting the wrong idea.
Keep a record of the behaviour of clients who are becoming problematic so that you can monitor any escalation. These records may also be useful if they begin stalking you and you need to apply for a restraining order.
You have the right to end the booking or relationship with a client if they become unmanageable and you don’t owe anyone any explanation for why you are doing this.
Try and be as clear as possible with clients as soon as an issue arises. Try and pull your client back into line so that you can continue your professional relationship.
If a client is unable to respect the boundaries you put in place, then it can be better not to see that client again rather than have the clients behaviours escalate.
About the presenter: Esther Ogilvie
Esther is a sex worker friendly trauma-informed somatic therapist. Her expertise encompasses a wide range of areas including trauma therapy, anxiety and depression-related disorders, sex and sexuality concerns, interpersonal challenges, and emotional regulation difficulties. She holds qualifications as a menstrual health facilitator, family violence practitioner, and sex and gender empowerment coach, catering to individuals of all gender identities.
She offers tantra and tantric kink sessions for couples seeking to expand and enrich their relationship experience. As a trauma therapist, she delves into the unconscious beliefs, relational patterns, or trauma that may influence the dynamics within a relationship.